Feed on

…for laughing. 

I’m not a fan of goofball humor to attract girls.   She’ll laugh her way straight into a platonic friendship with you.  This is especially true during the critical first few minutes of meeting her when you are trying to get her to ponder the possibility of sleeping with you.  Droll, clever humor, dispensed sparingly, is more effective.  Playful humor, or teasing, turns girls on as well.  Acting like a clown and constantly joking sends a subliminal message to the sex centers of her brain — He’s trying too hard.  He must be desperate for female attention.

Self-deprecating humor is the worst kind.  Only men possessing the traits that women love can afford to knock themselves down in a humorous fashion.  It’s similar to the way wealthy men make sure their philanthropy is reported in the press; it’s a status display that is very attractive to women because it shows he is financially secure enough to absorb a hit to his resources.  For most men, though, self-deprecation is beta.

Cheesy humor has its place.  It can often work quite well as an opener under the right circumstances.  It won’t work in clubs, where loud music and physical jostling compete for a girl’s attention, and where she is already smiling and expecting to be hit on.  There, your humor will strike her as a lame come-on.  But out on the street, or in a store, during the daytime, weird humor can win you an audition with her.  She’s not expecting to be approached, she’s probably in a hurry somewhere, so an offbeat line will put a smile on her face.  Distracting a girl from her orderly existence is the first step to fornication.  Some lines I have used:

I *love* the way you pour ice cubes into a glass.  [spoken to a female bartender]

You jaywalk with a certain grace.  [girl had crossed intersection and was standing next to me]

Is there a groom magazine?  I can’t get enough of weddings!  [to girl reading Bridal Magazine in bookstore.  she was single]

Did you just undress me with your eyes?  I feel violated.  [to seamstress measuring a suit for me]

My puppy ran away with the poolboy.  Will you give me a new one?  You don’t want to see me cry.  [to Adopt-A-Pet girl showing shelter animals on sidewalk]

Rearrange these five straws into something round.  [straws are lined up side by side]  But you can only move two of them.  [waitress makes attempt and fails]  Here, let me show you.  [I move two straws and make the word TIT]

Slow down!  You deserve a chance to check me out.  [to girl walking quickly towards me]

I know the girls reading this right now are thinking “if a guy said that to me, I would laugh at him, not with him” but reading about pick up lines on a blog is not the same as hearing it in real time when it’s totally unexpected.  Nevertheless, you don’t want to be a stand-up comedian.  Those guys are entertainers, not seducers.  I wouldn’t use dorky humor as a general purpose opener.  It has limited application.  The classic openers — asking for her opinion on female-friendly topics, situational observations, flirty cockiness — are staples.  They’ll work in almost any scenario.

If you are a woman with a great sense of humor (you do exist, somewhere) I suggest you hide it during the first few dates with a guy.  Most men are intimidated by women they’re dating who are funnier than them.  And intimidated guys don’t satisfy sexually.


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