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Shit tests, like boobs, come in all shapes and sizes. But, also like boobs, shit tests all share a basic structure. You won’t ever confuse a boob for a foot, for instance. Similarly, you won’t confuse a shit test for loving affection.

Continuing with the CH series of posts compiling the likely shit tests men will hear often from women into a convenient playabase, a reader offers his noteworthy additions. Editorial comment added at will.

Good day

I wanted to share with you some of the shit tests Ive received lately from women and my effective responses I must add have been very successful.

Are you a player?
Yeah I play alot of guitar, mostly pink floyd, but i like guns’n roses as well. Do you play any instruments ?

This is cutesy. Nothing wrong with that, it can work, but I prefer a more direct, and cockier, angle of approach to this particular shit test, e.g., “Like McDonald’s, billions served.”

Where are all your friends?
Come on sweetie lets grab some drinks and sit over there
or
Didnt know you were that lonely

The second one is decent. That can be reworded many ways. “Why, are you going to steal them?”

Does this work on every girl?
Not the unattractive ones *
or
What is it you are getting your head to believe that im trying to do?

“Only on the cute ones” is better. Your second reply is meh. It sounds a little defensive.

Why dont you buy me a drink?
Are you broke? Aww you poor thing!
or
Why dont you buy me one and I will buy the next round

What is that youre wearing?
This is called clothes, you are wearing them too, youre not the brightest knife in the box are you?
If she follow up with; I mean why are you wearing those clothes? Look away across the room while you make one heavy sigh

The impatient lookaway punctuated by the heavy sigh is a great, all-round shit test nuke.

Why are you so cocky?
Hey if you are so much into cocks I know a better place we can continue this conversation

Be careful with this one. It could blow up in your face if the girl is still qualifying you.

Are you gay?
Go for kiss and grab her tits, if she rejects, smile smerkily [ed: smerkily?] and/or laugh, then say “did that feel gay to you?” This works for all gay comments, what youre wearing looks gay etc.

This is straight up asshole game. Again, high risk, high reward with this one. The girl would have to be somewhat pre-attracted for this pseudo-apocalypse game to work.

You never listen to me
Can you repeat that??
or
Sure Id love a beer

Classics. Shorter version: “What?” “What?” “What?”… until she gets the joke.

You will get tired of me
Keep on saying that and yeah, I will

Come and meet my friends
Are they pretty? lets wait for ten more minutes

Do you find my friend (whatever her name is) attractive?
Oh thats the one with the round ass with long legs and big breasts with the nice smile, of course i dont *sarcasticly* Dismiss every question that will come after this, denying her the right to be in charge of the conversation

You are sleazy
You like it though
or
You are so stuck up I cant even give you a genuine compliment

“You like it” has been around a long time, but it’s always struck me as sounding forced, or like you’re forcing the girl to feel into you. Maybe a better wording (while sticking with the concept) is, “Is that a comment or a request?”

You are weird
You are boring

You are boring
You are weird
or
You are lame

You are Creepy
You are lame

I know some of you readers are scoffing incredulously at these series of calls-and-responses, but there really are aggro chicks who think flirting is the coarse art of getting in a man’s face and insulting him. Any dismissive and amused reply would work with these kinds of girls.

Do I know you?
Dont worry baby you will

See: “You like it” above. My guess: works best on girls who are already in the tingle zone.

Why are you talking to me?
Didnt know there was a no talking policy in this bar, Aaaah youre a librarian, I should have known
or
Because you look like a funny girl

That second line is a great neg. “Does he mean I’m funny looking, or that I look like I have a sense of humor??”

Its boring when its just the two of us hanging together dont you think so?
I agree, but its strange, never experienced this with any of my previous girls

A bit defensive. I would go with “Better step up your game then!” Reframe so that the fault for her boredom lies with her.

I have a boyfriend
I have, wait, three aunts, two grandparents, and at home I have a guitar, this is a fun game, your turn, what else you got?

How many girls have you slept with?
Are you very religious? or I dont think Ive slept with anyone today
If she asks again:
Counting back how far?
Since forever !!??
My memory is poor, dont think I slept with anyone today though *smirk*

These are good.

You are not my type
Are you sure? you seem quite desperate?

Harsh. Man you are hanging around some slores, am I right?

You are too horny
I can imagine youre really good at turning guys off, but seriously dont flatter yourself sweetie

If this dance of romance is in a loud environment, shorter is sweeter. For example, “Don’t flatter yourself.”

You are too direct for me
You are too indirect for me

Have you read the game?
Jeezzes, youre overanalyzing way too much, relax sweetie

You come off as a a little desperate
Easy girls have that effect on me
If she gets pissed: Reeeelaaax pussycat give me a smile (touch her face)

I’m gonna need more background to this conversation. Where, who, when? How much alcohol was involved?

You have a weird sense of humour
I wanted to tell you this other joke, its about my dick, but its too long

Your getting old heh?
Yeah thank god Im a man, Ill age with style

“Still younger than you in woman years.”

Feel free to use these if u like them, I know some of these are versions already used by yourself. Ive invented some new ones. If just some of these can help to educate one desperate male im happy. Im trying to put something back. Thanks.

Every man should have ten ready-to-dare replies for the most common female shit tests he’ll encounter. All women are different, until they’re not, which is often.

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