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Thawing An Icy Wife

This post is also available in: English

A reader reaches out to the Chateau Lordship,

I could use your help. Actually, this is probably more in Athol’s domain, but his answer wouldn’t be as entertaining as yours and he might be kind of judgmental.

More judgmental than this blog? Impossible.

Two years ago I caught my wife of four years having an affair. At the time, I knew nothing of game… I was a Beta schlub. It was my broken-hearted “what do I do now” that led me to your website, which of course changed my life. I forgot about my self-pity and hit the gym. Then I bought some new clothes. I learned to play the guitar. Now when my wife mentions her former lover (she has contact with him through her job several times a year) the contempt for him is evident in her voice. Things between us are far, far better than I expected they would be at this point. But… (you knew there was a but, didn’t you?) there’s still something not quite right. Our sex is frequent but only “pretty good.” She is always willing to “put out,” but it’s, well, putting out. She doesn’t have the enthusiasm for my cock that she had when we were first together.

Sounds suspiciously like sedative sex — that is, the obligatory, unexciting sex that married women offer as Damegeld to their gelded provider husbands during the three weeks the wives aren’t ovulating. The purpose of this dreary sex is not to sate her desire but to soothe her husband’s anxiety and keep his cashmoney coming. It’s the “give the dog a bone” life history strategy.

I probably would have been happy with our sex life, but for one thing: I got a girlfriend.



And the sex with my girlfriend makes me realize just what is lacking in the sex with my wife.

Self-reporting surveys (wink, wink GSSers, u know I luv youze no-homo-ly) which purport to show that married men get more sex than single men miss two very important confounding factors: the quality of that sex, and the variety of sex partners. Single men may have less regular sex than married men, but when the (alpha) single men do have sex, it’s volcanic. And a new adventure every time. Because no matter how much you love your wife, there will come a time when her snatch loses its sheen. This is the curse and blessing of being a (non-manboobed) man: never satisfied, always conquering. Or dreaming about conquering.

My GF, unlike my wife, is very enthusiastic. She swallows my cock like she’s starving. She fucks me like it’s the last fuck she’s ever going to get.

You are the alpha male to your girlfriend, and the beta male to your wife. More proof, as if any more was needed, that beta maleness and alpha maleness are largely contextual, and that marriage inexorably betatizes even the most alpha of men.

Maybe I should just be happy.

Take the honey and fun.

Have ‘duty sex’ with my wife, and fuck my girlfriend for fun.

Does that sound so bad? Traditionally, there was a tacit social expectation that husbands would avail themselves of sexual outlets in the downward spiraling years of their wive’s attractiveness, but that they would remain loyal and duty-bound to their wives regardless.

But it occurs to me that a little preselection and dread might ignite a fire in my wife’s pussy.

Like a boss.

I’m trying to figure out how to plant the idea in my wife’s mind that I might be having an affair.

You won’t need to plant any ideas of your threatening omnipresent desirability if your affair has been going on long enough. Even given a total lack of hard evidence, most wives have spidey-sense that guides them to the correct conclusion about cheating husbands. She will smell it on you, notice it in your gait, and hear it in the renewed firmness… of your voice. Not to mention, a husband getting his sack drained on the side generally doesn’t have much left over to service his contemptibly familiar wife. Ask yourself first if it’s *your* apathy that’s the cause of your uninspired marital sex life. If it is, and you sincerely want to reinvigorate your marriage, then you should think about dumping the mistress.

But if your wife is the one dragging her feet into the bedroom, then a program of dread will help enliven her lust. Dread is supposed to be a feint, a rope-a-dope. It’s not supposed to be a flare for a team of divorce lawyers. If you are actually balls deep in an affair, drawing attention to your second life is not what I would call a smart marital move. Not in this day and age.

Of course, since I am actually having an affair, I have to walk a fine line.

Yours is a strange scenario. Most men I know who are cheating on their lovers don’t need to go the extra mile to provoke anxiety and doubt about their fidelity. It’s all they can do to keep their affairs under wraps, and their primary partners in the dark. The dread is self-evident.

I want to give her enough of a suspicion to light a fire under her, but not so much that she hires a private investigator or starts hacking my email accounts. I want her to feel a bit of suspicion, without her actually getting enough evidence to confirm the suspicion.

Ok, I’ll give you some advice. But know that you’re flirting with distaster. Have you forgotten that there’s a third party involved? Your mistress might not stay wisely silent. Women have a devious tendency to “oopsie, I said something I shouldn’t have.” You can open the can of dreadworms but just make sure to cover your tracks. Your wife and your lover should not know anything important about each other, and should never be in the same zip code together. You wanna deal with bunny broilers?

What say you? Is this something that can be done? Or should I just be happy with wifely “duty sex” and wild girlfriend sex?

Readers will note that for purposes of discussion, I assumed this email was sincere. There is certainly a strong whiff of the troll about it, but it’s useful as a lesson for other men who are reading who may be in similar circumstance and aren’t lying about it.

Here’s my advice:

1. Track your wife’s ovulation cycle. (Won’t work if she’s on the Pill.)

You can learn a few things by doing this. Is her sex drive revved up with you during that glorious one week when her egg sojourns and she craves the cock? Then the rest of the time she might just feel anxious about her marriage, but at least she still feels raw attraction for you. You should consider that it’s a lack of your beta male reassurance that’s responsible for her withdrawal.

Worse, is she colder than usual during her ovulation? Then her attraction is waning, and she’s probably thinking about other men. You need to pump up the alpha.

2. If her sexual iciness is a result of her weakening attraction rather than her strengthening anxiety, then a dollop of dread will do the trick. “Accidentally” leave an email or IM account open, so that she will stumble across an anonymous message which you will hand craft to send from a dummy email account to sound like it’s from a woman who’s flirting with you, but who hasn’t yet received a reply or encouragement from you. If you’re worried about her hiring an investigator, then preempt her doubt. Don’t wait for your wife to confront you about the message. When you get home, exclaim, “Oh look at that, I left my email open. I bet you got an eyeful honey! Yep, you did. Any suggestions for dealing with a co-worker who’s got the hots for me? This chick won’t take no for an answer.”

3. The objective is to maintain your innocence while stoking your wife’s insecurity. This means the hints must be extremely subtle, (unless your wife is clinically retarded). A fan favorite is calling her from a busy place that has a lot of young women giggling in the background.

4. Don’t bother entangling your real mistress in this subterfuge. Too risky. But if you decide you want to taunt divorce theft, try an indentation of a condom on your wallet, sans condom. Or a tucked-away business card from your mistress (strictly business, you see). Or you can go the full Don Draper and take your wife to a social event where you know your mistress will be in attendance. Flaunt your wife, flirt with your mistress across trays of hor d’oeuvres. There’s just something very manfully satisfying about manipulating a quasi-harem in this way and cheating discovery.

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