This post is also available in: Englisch
Reexamining my successful pickups, it becomes clear that 80% of early verbal game is simply knowing when a girl is tossing you shit tests and how to handle them like an attractive man. Almost all good-looking women worth banging will, at one point or another, shit test you. It is coded in their DNA. The easiest and quickest way to make yourself more desirable to a woman is to pass her tests like a champ; in other words, to exploit her alpha male filtering mechanism.
Many men write asking for advice about women’s shit tests. Judging by email quantity, it’s a big stumbling block for a lot of would-be womanizers.There have been posts at the Chateau before about passing commonly encountered shit tests, so in the spirit of giving the people what they want, here is another installment in a continuing series. Thanks go to reader Legion for contributing his selection of devious female screening ploys. Edification and analysis follows. Comments from me are bracketed in italics.
Before beginning, one thing I’d like to note is that a big mistake I see a lot of men making — besides an inability to recognize a shit test when it is leveled at them — is sounding spiteful in response. The critical distinction to make when volleying a shit test is to avoid confusing sneering umbrage for cocky indifference. The line is surprisingly thin between the two attitudes. You definitely want to focus on tailoring your replies and your tone of voice to sound like the latter. A good rule of thumb: if your reply to a shit test would sound like it is coming from a man who cares that his feelings were bruised, don’t say it. Another key point — barring infrequent exceptions, your shit test replies should be succinct. Brevity is the glow of clits.
Here are some common shit tests that I’ve encountered over the years – including ones from guys trying to punk you in front of girls – and most of the answers (in bold) are my own; a few are culled from the PUA literature.
The shit tests that blindside you are the ones that really mess you up, like a punch you don’t see coming. This does extreme violence to how you’re perceived. Vaginas snap shut and dessicate abruptly.
I think mastering shit tests is KEY to success. A man with “savoir faire” is magnetic. Girls secretly spurt their panties when an alpha male is challenged in public by other men or women; she excitedly wonders how will he react. I’ve seen this before, many times: you never forget that look of hyper-aroused delight (or crushing sadness) in your girl’s face if you dominate other men (or get owned).
I think game should be expanded to cover how men interact with other men. [Editor: Agreed. However, since the majority of shit testing is done by girls, the focus shall remain on male-female interaction. Most men won’t attempt to punk you in front of a girl you are gaming. There are only so many heavy ballsacks in circulation.]
Anyway, I’d like to hear your take on these; the list is pretty basic so far. It’s not that the answers are particularly clever; it’s just that they work, and you know in the back of your mind you’re armed.
“Do I know you?” / “Why are you talking to me?”
Oh, I forgot there was a no-talking policy here between strangers.
[Editor: I’d drop the “between strangers” part. Otherwise, very good. Alternate replies: “You wish.” / “Your mom said you were lonely.”]
“I have a boyfriend”
That’s nice, well done. [keep plowing, then eject if no IOIs]
[Other good IHAB replies are here.]
*She asks you to do something such as get something for her, do her a favour, carry something, buy her a drink, etc*
I think you have me confused with every other guy you’ve met.
[Excellent. Alternate reply: “Does this always work for you?”]
“Why don’t you give me a straight answer”
It’s more fun for me not to.
[Serviceable. Catchier wording: “Where’s the fun in that?” Alternate reply: “I didn’t know this was a job interview.”]
“Is that your best line?”
Yeah I’ve been practising it all day.
Yeah, now it’s your turn.
[I wouldn’t call attention to her framing of the situation. Reframe. Say “Is that your best hair color?”]
I’m glad you like it.
[“Weirdo” is a tough one. This is more of the female version of a straight up insult rather than a shit test. A lot depends on the tone in which she says it. I’d almost be tempted to backturn on a girl flinging this at me. Alternate replies: “Smelly cooties girl.” “Dork.” “I’m blown away by your scintillating conversation.”]
“Kiddo” (from a sassy ho trying to take you down a peg)
Have you watched Kill Bill a little too often?
[I don’t think I’ve ever heard “kiddo” from a girl. I’d probably just ignore it.]
“Aw, that’s sweet”
Don’t get used to it.
[Alternates: “I’m one badass motherfucking romantic.” “Yo, check yourself.”]
“Your clothes are gay/look stupid”
You fuckin love it.
[Alternate: “Try not to swoon.”]
“Are you gay?”
No but my boyfriend is.
[Good answer. Alternate: “Yes, I’m very happy right now.”]
From guys: “You look like shit/ you’re fat/ugly/skinny/short/whatever.”
That’s not what your mother said last night.
[Alternates: “Stay classy, champ.” “Are you for real? I thought douchebags like you were only on TV.” “Is this a come-on? Sorry, I don’t swing that way.”]
“You look like a player”
[Be careful of overqualifying yourself when she asks you this. Good answer if she is seriously concerned: “I used to be, but those days are behind me.” Good answer if she’s clearly busting your balls: “World’s biggest. One billion served.”]
[Alternate: “Don’t get clingy.”]
“You’re a nerd/geek” (when you say something remotely intelligent or beyond a grunt)
That’s what dumbasses call smart people.
[Whoa, too spiteful. Trading insults is not gonna get you closer to a lay. Alternate: “Absolutely. I’m too sexy for my pocket protector.”]
“Did you miss me?”
I know you missed me.
[Alternate: “Oh my god, I spent months building a shrine to you and dreaming of your return.”]
That’s mr asshole to you.
[Alternate: “I do what I can.”]
“I can’t believe you said that”
*Don’t reply; just smirk and nod*
[Ignoring her shit test is acceptable in this situation. Many shit tests aren’t meant to be answered; they are merely meant to provoke an apologetic response from betas.]
A skinny twat (male): “Is that shirt a size too small?” (if you’re jacked. This insult is leveled at any jacked guy who wears a t-shirt, whether small or not)
It’s all I could find in your mother’s closet.
[Alternate: “Couldn’t help noticing, could you?”]
“I like your clothes.”
Cool. I can take them off later to give you a closer look.
[Flattery can be as much of a shit test as peevishness. Betas will eat up flattery; alphas will ignore or playfully turn it around on the girl. Alternate reply: “Flattery will get you everywhere.”]
“I don’t like you”
Sure you don’t.
[Again, how to respond to this shit test depends on tone. Did she say it coarsely, or with a peekaboo smile? If the former: “My heart will go on.” If the latter: (with much theatricality) “How can I go on living?!”]
It’s better than being a dumbass 😉
[Alternate: “I try.”]
If in jest (“looo-ser”): Shut up ho 😉
If serious: Oh, the L-bomb. You must be really upset.
That’s what you are, but what am I?
[Remember, the “loser” bomb is potentially the worst thing a girl can call a man. The female equivalent is “ugly”. Much rests on her tone when she said it. “I know you are but what am I” is a good reply to her if she has said it in jest; otherwise, I’d ditch her without a moment’s thought.]
(From a male, or a warpig) “Why aren’t you drinking, are you a bitch or something?”
Your mother promised me buttsex if I quit the drink.
I’m on acid.
[Alternate, if from a man: “Why, are you looking for a date rape?” If from a warpig: “I need to see clearly, if you know what I mean.”]
“Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
I haven’t found one who’s rich enough.
[Solid answer. Alternate: “Just lucky, I guess.”]
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
No, I have 8 of them.
[Alternate: “It’s complicated.”]
*Grabbing or pawing at you* (especially by a guy, trying to exert dominance)
Hey, no touching, admire from a distance.
[Alternate: “You can look, but no touching.”]
Now for ones I’m not too sure about. If you have any suggestions, let’s hear em.
*She completely ignores you, or tells you to fuck off*
(just leave, unfazed, and open another set)
Still, this is embarassing, and hard to smoothly walk away from.
[Walking away like she doesn’t exist is your best option. Alternate responses: “You’ve got the wrong idea. I’m interested in your friend/the girl sitting next to you.” “My hour’s not up yet. A deal’s a deal.”]
“Are you trying to be funny?”
You need to lighten up [eject].
[Alternate: “Are you trying to be sexy?”]
Angry, cunty tone: “Who do you think you are?”
[“Fuck you, that’s who I am.” Or, on a lighter note: “I’m your wettest dream.”]
“What’s your name again? I’ve forgotten?” (Guys use this a lot)
[“I.P. Daily.” “Hugh Jorgan.” “Seymour Butts.”]
“You’re a bum.”
[“The bum you love.”]
“Who did your hair?”
*You legitimately fuck up and blush hard* (e.g. walking to my young female professor’s class one day I (loudly) declared to my friend I was going to skip next week’s class, and the professor could “lick my sack” if she’s unhappy about that. She was walking right behind us and clearly heard.)
[“Well, there goes that D-.”]
Douchey guy: “Shut up, faggot. Haha, just kidding! We’re all friends!” (trying to exert dominance – an insult followed by a “just kidding” to shield himself.)
[“No we’re not. You didn’t get the memo?” Or: “That’s right, faggot! Faggot friends forever!”]
“Have you read The Game? / Do you know who David Deangelo/Mystery is?”
(i.e. trying to expose you as a fakester or manipulator)
[“A friend told me about it. It’s pretty interesting stuff.” Or: “No need. I wrote the book on seducing women.”]
“I’m out of your league, honey”
[“The league of hot chicks?” Or: “Don’t sell yourself short.”]
Here are some other shit tests you may confront in your journey to pussyland, and ways to reply to them.
“I wasn’t talking to you.”
“Good thing. I can’t take much more boredom.”
“Are you a moron?”
“Sorry, I’m not your type.”
From a commenter: “400 guys emailed me on match…. why should I date you?”
“You’re right. Better stick to dating desperate men.” Or: “I cook a mean fried beer pocket.”
“We are two totally different people.”
“I know. I’m cool, and you’re… [nod your head and raise your eyebrows confidentially]”
“Hey, you said the same thing to that other girl!”
“Nice job, stalker.”
“Do you always come on to girls like this?”
“Only the ones who deserve it.”
“Why are you out alone?”
“So I don’t have to listen to my friends whine about me taking all the girls.”
“Oh, you’re one of *those* guys.”
“Don’t get the wrong idea.”
“You’re a tranny?” Or: “Please, I’m not that type of guy. You’ve gotta wine and dine me.”
“Do you like my new dress/shoes/jeans?”
“It’s nice for handsewn.”
“What’s your deal?”
“I hit on special needs girls.” (Ok, not really recommended, but damned funny in the right scenario.)
“Is this the best you can do?”
“Right now? Yes.” Or: “I’m not inspired enough yet.”