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A lot of guys fret about meeting their girlfriends’ parents, but it’s important to do so for reasons having nothing to do with making a good impression. Your girlfriend will never catch onto the real reason you went with her to visit her parents: To collect vital information on how badly and how quickly your precious flower will wilt over the years.

Nothing — not your girlfriend’s eating or exercise habits, her worldview, or her desire to please you — will tell you more about how she will age than what her parents look like. Genetic fate uber alles. I know it’s difficult to grasp that the cutie who gives you solid wood could one day turn into the sunbathing walrus that is her mother, but no man should underestimate the brutal toll ten to twenty years takes on a woman’s looks. And brutal it is. Her beauty will begin the slow fade after 25, and then plummet like a rock over Angel Falls after her early 30s. The uglier and fatter her mother, the harder and faster your sweet rose will smash into the wall.

You’ve seen those incomprehensible mother-daughter pairings at the mall. That’s what awaits you. Remind me again what’s the upside to getting married?

Every man should be pushing his entire life to date women at least ten years younger than himself, with the average gap growing wider the older the man gets to account for the massive deleveraging of women’s sexual market value after age 35. Remember, 35 in female years is 50 in male years. So your schedule should go like this: You hit 30? Date 20 year olds. When you’re 40, don’t go higher than 30. 50 and you set the upper limit at 35. If you’re especially high status, you can adjust the optimal age gap to twenty years. Of course, this plan is a lot easier to do as a free, unmarried man.

The mother-daughter coefficient of fading beauty is such an accurate predictor of the daughter’s future beauty decline that it’s a wonder more men don’t visit their girlfriends’ parents to size up their beloveds for their worth as long term partners. When men commit to a single woman, they are making a huge sacrifice, similar to the sacrifice women make when they have sex with a beta. It’s a cramping of style. So men would be wise to unblock any information bottlenecks regarding the expiration date of their girlfriends, and that means sizing up her parents for a glimpse at your honeysuckle’s shelf life. This is where I can help.

Let’s say you’re dating a hot, slender chick. Now let’s say you’re thinking about going the distance with her and foreswearing all other women to be with just her. Whoa, tiger! Don’t make any hasty decisions until you’ve consulted my handy chart for determining how your cute girlfriend will hold up after ten years. To help you realize the power of my chart, you’ll need to know what your girl’s parents look like and what they looked like back when they were young.

The daughter           The father          The mother           The daughter
looks like                  looks like            looks like               in 10 years        

the father                Clark Gable         a manatee              still hot, but check
                                                                                       for telltale signs like
                                                                                       upper arms or thick
                                                                                       wrists that resemble

the father                an inbred            a former               *future fatty alert*
from his youth         beer keg              hottie                    keep her away from
                                                                                         beer and beef jerky

the mother              a fat redneck      a MILF                  still hot, but dump her
                                                                                     if she drinks schlitz with
                                                                                     her dad in the garage

the mother              a normal           the seacow            *future fatty alert*
from her youth        dude                 formerly known       expect massive
                                                        as princess              weight gain

neither                     a herb              a plain jane            *wildcard* proceed
                                                                                         with caution

both, before           a fat slob           a fat slob                 *DANGER* cut and run
they got fat                                                                       after monopolizing
                                                                                          her best years

both                       handsome          still fuckable          *winner* she’ll stay fresh
                                                                                    for years. get down on one
                                                                                    knee and… tie your

There’s an interesting side effect to the mother-daughter coefficient of fading beauty. Oftentimes, a cute chick with an ugly, fat mom will have low self esteem because she has spent her life in the shadow of her future self. She has probably had nightmares about turning into her mother, and as a result does not perceive her own beauty very well. Insecure hotties are often the best kinds of chicks to date. They will always strive to earn your approval while you will have to pinch yourself that it can be this easy. You should jump at the chance to visit her parents because she will feel ashamed of her fat mom, and that shame will redound to her own feeling of self-worth. For added impact, raise your eyebrows in surprise when you meet the mother, and tell her her daughter mentioned she was a great cook.


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