Readers have asked, “What was your most memorable pickup?” I can think of a few successful pickups that were very challenging and provided me with much spiritual fulfillment upon completion. But if we’re talking about picking up against all odds and natural law, under adverse conditions that would cause lesser men to wilt in defeat, one in particular stands out.
***
I unrolled the mat and tamped down the curled end. Observing my surroundings from the back row of the yoga class, a swarm of svelte hourglass figures tucked salaciously into lycra presented for my eye rape. Ponytails swatted the air and taut bodies stretched and leaned and jutted to fill every frame of my viewing field. I dropped to my mat, extended my legs, and began reaching out to touch my knees. Pre-stretch.
“First time here?,” I asked the brunette sitting cross-legged to my right.
She hesitated before answering, “Nope. I’ve been going for years.”
“I bet you’ve memorized all the moves, then. I need a crib sheet.”
She half-smiled. “It’s pretty relaxed here.” Glancing at the instructor setting up her work station, “She goes slow.”
“If I don’t know a move, I just drop into that fetal position where you’re looking at the floor like you’re about to throw up.”
“Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.”
I liked this girl.
Class started. Upward, outward, inward, splayed, sternum to the sky. Supple, peach cleft, disembodied asses bobbed in figure eights in front of me like that bouncing ball traveling across the lyric captions to some Saturday morning children’s show. Sheer, high tech material emphasized every vulval ridge. It stirred.
Halfway through the class, in the middle of executing a straight-backed bend at the waist, and with no warning flare from my viscera, a loud, staccato racket erupted from my exit.
BWWAAAAAPP
My face burned to match the rectal tear I thought I had suffered. More than half the class pretended not to notice. But it was foolish to feign ignorance. This newborn’s cries echoed off the walls. No ear was spared.
A few girls and the one herbly man (the only one besides myself in attendance) in the class turned in the direction of the prurient sound, not quite sure who emanated the offense but able to narrow it down to two or three suspects, their faces twisted in yeoman efforts to hide disgust or laughter. The man nodded his head at me (he knew) and was the only one to notably chuckle. The instructor, obviously practiced in the art of managing student effluvium, segued hastily into the next pose by raising her voice a few decibels to distract the rumble of cackling that was about to unleash.
But before she could announce the next pose and move us all forward from mass embarrassment, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Was that a duck?”
Laughter rippled through the crowd. The brunette swiveled and grinned at me, having reconsidered the merit of talking to me earlier. I had verbalized the unthinkable, and in so doing perhaps saved her from being misattributed as the ass criminal. By now my blush had receded, and I smiled at her and shrugged my shoulders, as if to say “hey, gas happens”.
Supreme self-confidence, I thought. A man who owns his bodily functions is a hot commodity.
I wanted to keep the moment going with further jokes about the incident, thinking the running gag is a good way to loosen a girl up. But better sense prevailed and I kept my mouth shut while flexing triumphantly through the remaining poses. At the end of the class, incense candles were lit to guide us through the meditative cool-down. I think they were lit for another reason.
I stood up and rolled my mat, grabbing her attention.
“Hey.”
“Yes?”
“I think we should clear the air on what happened here, over drinks sometime. Like, how about tomorrow.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Your form is barely adequate. I could give you some tips.”
“Tips? Over drinks? I don’t think your tips would be very helpful.”
“Don’t be such a pessimist. Hope and change.”
“So… you’re asking me out?”
“That’s right.”
“Do you do this to all the girls at yoga classes?”
“Embarrass them? Yes.”
“Haha.” She stared at me for an interminable three seconds. “Well, ok. But… don’t bring your duck.”
I raised my eyebrows in faux indignation. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, riiiight.”
We exchanged numbers after most of the class had disembarked. I said I would call her.
I’m certain she had a blast retelling this moment to her girl friends. And I’m glad I was the source of her glee.
***
So that, gentlemen and gentlewomen readers, was my most memorable pickup. Nothing smooth or suave about it. Just a lot of gumption and chutzpah. Accompanied by a galvanizing symphony of war drums.
Chateau Fartiste?
We shouldn’t downplay Fart Game. It’s a handy test of a man’s betatude.
Of course. It is my specialty.
I have women paying big bucks to detox my buttox…
Better a Fartiste than a Sharteau
Sharteau Fartiste
Did you close?
Heck no, he let ‘er rip!
Oh Lord. Spare us the fart stories…
Speaking of which, there was that time…
That exact thing happened to me once, minus the pickup. Glad I’m not alone.
Cool story bro
Did you fuck or what
Nice. These are the best sort of encounters.
Thanks for doing this on a Friday. Not sure I could have made through earlier in the week given all the coffee on the keyboard.
Hehe, that really made me laugh. Makes you sound a lot more human too.
Fucking lol’ed too hard at the duck comment to keep reading till I stopped laughing.
Same here. Still laughing.
You guys have to get out more… that’s an old Rodney Dangerfield line, highlighted in Caddyshack. If memory serves, his was even funnier:
“Did somebody step on a duck?”
The article’s money yuck for me was:
“Okay, but don’t bring your duck.”
I raised my eyebrows in faux indignation. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Ooo a lovely lady, hey baby…you’re alright. You must have been something before electricity!”
“You’re no gentlemen!”
“I’m no doorknob either, alright.”
Rodney steals that movie.
“How’d ya like to earn fourteen dollars… the hard way.”
I use the expression “The ducks are flying low today.” I first heard the expression in the Army about 1985 or so.
Humor, confidence, negs. Goes to show you can use flatulence to get girls too.
My next fart will de dedicated to the chateau.
Speaking of farts:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c7/Hegassen_scroll.jpg
I would like to hear your opinion about this http://unwinona.tumblr.com/post/30861660109/i-debated-whether-or-not-to-share-this-story
thanks
She stopped using her vibrator, and her period was in a few days.
girls who tell stories like that are usually not so ‘pretty’
From what I could tell of the small picture of her up in the corner, she had a weaselly sort of rodent-looking phiz.
Heh, heh… by her own words:
“I’m a sarcasm machine made of whiskey and bubblegum.”
Aw, hell… somebody, quick, point me to the nearest Kay Jewelers so I can get this “catch” a diamond ring.
lol. Reminds me of this video:
^ have no idea why that video came up. This is the video I tried to link:
The following is completely unrelated but will soon be the talk of the town:
From today’s NYT: Family Life According to the Brotherhood
“CAIRO — Women are erratic and emotional, and they make good wives and mothers — but never leaders or rulers. That, at least, is what Osama Abou Salama, a professor of botany at Cairo University and a member of the Muslim Brotherhood, told young men and women during a recent premarital counseling class.”
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/05/world/middleeast/05iht-letter05.html?pagewanted=all
The following is completely unrelated but will soon be the talk of the town:
From today’s NYT: Family Life According to the Brotherhood
“CAIRO — Women are erratic and emotional, and they make good wives and mothers — but never leaders or rulers. That, at least, is what Osama Abou Salama, a professor of botany at Cairo University and a member of the Muslim Brotherhood, told young men and women during a recent premarital counseling class.”
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/05/world/middleeast/05iht-letter05.html?pagewanted=all
I love religions.
Too bad I’m atheist.
[…] in all varieties abound today. There is the beginning and the end of love. Swing Up […]
For a first date, I recommend renting:
https://www.google.ca/search?q=pamela+anderson+2012&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hl=en&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=tFdKUMnZOOOLiwKCqoDgAw&biw=1277&bih=625&sei=vFdKUNrOIq3BiwLRx4D4DA
I would still bang the fuck out of Pamela Anderson. I just wouldn’t want to see her the next morning. …but that’s pretty much all girls anyway.
Dude, she has plastic tits.
I can get past those… it’s that stupid tattoo that’s a deal-breaker for me.
lol you guys must be in your 50s.
Quod Sum Eris… junior.
llzoll
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/238/423/a4e.jpg
Ah yes, in the binary mind of YaReally, being disgusted by tattoos on a woman ranks right up there with keyboard critic “pointy elbow” syndrome.
In your defense, though, I can see how someone who’ll shit on a girl as a form of sex play would be difficult to gross out.
http://t.qkme.me/367kvk.jpg
OK, looks like Random Link Day around here.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2012/09/07/does-the-gender-gap-in-your-country-influence-what-you-find-sexy/
It is amazing to me how even the hottest of women can be caught off guard by someone who has the balls to use an accidental duck quack as a way to break the wind. errr… to break the ice.
It’s all about unshakeable frame. And really, who cares if he scored with yoga chick? Hot women come and go, but he didn’t lose face and he got a number and a date with her, within 1 hour of meeting her, after farting in front of a roomful of her regular peers. His toes were still tapping.
Just so long as she isn’t forced to directly endure a strong stench for awhile trapped with you in an elevator or something. You can even use someone else’s unfortunate event to AMOG the group and leverage the opportunity.
So are we to infer that you had an opening to obtain anal on the first date?
yo
been mostly doing hos but started some online dating last week or so.
Took a ho to cedar point decent looking blond post pics of us on my dating profile doing a bunch of stuff plus pic of my exwife when i wrote i love you in flower petals on the bed now i got more dates than i can do lol
chicks are funny and then they still like your only gonna date me right lolzzzzzzzzzzzzz yea its gonna be only you wtf you just saw pictures of my fuckbuddy i told you about.. I just told you i am married lol
bitches be crazy. So far two for two taking chick out and her asking me on a second date he he he
Other chicks far as fuck away. after i went on two dates and told my fuckbuddy bout em she ran out the back door with my wallet lol definetly gonna be using a condom with next grilfriend hopefully no “i’m pregnant moments” for the 80th time.
it really is always grass is greener on other side when ya got nothing ya want something when you can fuck diferent chicks all the time you want cuddles and somone to lurv when you got someone to lurv you want some new ass
and around we go have it all
blond messages me
sorry still love you an alway will ill never forget u
me yea i lurv you why its gonna hurt to close you out of my life
chick i’m sorry your making me cry
so i guess this means ill never see you again
no response from 2 days later she i miss you
i got wallet back anyway
i guess even hos develop feelings for whats in a mans wallet it had no cash lol
Pull My Finger game?
out of all the chicks though since i got back got to say this is only one i wanted to fuck for hours was kind of sad to see her fuck up grrr
should i compromise myself lolzzzzzzzzzz
its some good pussy fuuudddddddddddggggggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
do a post i’ll take some advice more likely the hard handed slaps would be appreciated and tell me that i will find another good piece of ass. Let this ho back in and wake up on ground no house or car he he he
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2199819/Prison-officers-stood-guard-woman-officer-sex-dangerous-rapist-serving-life-high-security-jail.html
They’re livin’ the dream!
Half of women may have sleep apnea: study
http://www.reuters.com/article/2012/09/07/us-apnea-idUSBRE8861A420120907
i like to stick my cock in a girl’s mouth when she’s asleep. this can also cause sleep apnea.
I am still laughing at the duck comment!
Perhaps bringing it up during drinks would be a good segue into what she thinks of The Blumpkin or A2M.
Congrats on finding a yoga class that wasn’t all fat chicks. Seriously, most yoga and female exercisers I see are the ones “trying to get into shape” who then go have a sundae to reward themselves and wonder why they are still fat.