Not absolutely nothing. (That would be silly advice for most men except famous dudes who can seduce simply by showing up.) But almost nothing. In the game of seduction, less is more.
Meeting for the first time
YOU: Hey.
HER: Hi.
YOU: Can I get your opinion on something? Won’t take a sec.
HER: Sure.
YOU: [look at her for a minute, then turn back to your drink]
HER: Are you going to ask?
YOU: Maybe later.
Texting
HER: I had a great time last night!
[three days later]
YOU: Ya me too.
[five minutes later]
HER: My phone was out for the past three days in case you were trying to call me.
YOU: Nope.
[She immediately calls.]
Calling and leaving a message on her voicemail
YOU: Hey. [click]
When she flakes
YOU: See you at 7.
HER: I forgot it was my sister’s birthday. I can’t make it. Another time!
YOU: gay.
When she plays hard to get
YOU: I’ve got Wednesday free.
HER: Ooh, I can’t do wednesday.
YOU: How about next Monday?
HER: That’s gonna be tough.
YOU: Too bad. [click]
The second date
HER: You know, I don’t do this on the second date. I’m not that type.
YOU: Cool.
HER: Cool? Ok, then… good.
YOU: [opening the front door]
HER: Where are you going? You don’t have to leave, you know.
YOU: Got to. Getting drinks with some girl who’s been bugging me lately.
HER: A girlfriend?
YOU: Pfft… who knows?
HER: [frantic] Ooookay… next time then? Promise you’ll–
YOU: [slam!]
Going out on a big date
HER: I’m ready to goooo!!!
[She steps out in a slinky black cocktail dress, waiting expectantly for a stream of flattery.]
YOU: Hold on… you got a hair out of place. There.
HER: Thanks?
YOU: You look alright.
Postcoital bliss
HER: God, that was great!
YOU: …
HER: I mean really good.
YOU: …
HER: Snuggle with me.
YOU: …
HER: I think I’m falling for you.
YOU: Sweet.
Birthdays
HER: Aww… um… a bag of Skittles.
YOU: There’s a note, too.
HER: [reading the post-it note stuck to the Skittles bag] ‘roses are red, violets are blue, don’t eat the green ones! you’re a great screw’.
YOU: [smiling with pride]
…Two days later, talking with her girl friend.
HER: He gave me a bag of Skittles for my birthday! What is that?! Does he love me?? What am I doing wrong? Is he seeing other women? Does he want more blowjobs? I practically got lockjaw last week!
Meeting her friends
HER: And this is my boyfriend, Jack… Jack? Where’d he go? Oh, he’s around here somewhere.
Farting in bed
YOU: BWAAAAP!
HER: Wow. Is the romance dead already?
YOU: BWAAAAP!
After a fight
HER: I can’t believe you were flirting with that girl at the party! Did you think I wouldn’t notice?
YOU: …
HER: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
YOU: Did you flood my toilet?
The 1AM booty call
YOU: Come over.
HER: omg are you serious?
[half hour later]
HER: U still up?
[another half hour later]
HER: Helllooo? U there?
YOU: Bring the movies.
The results of Do Almost Nothing Game look like this:
[crypto-donation-box]
